sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
It isn't easy. I met him at the gym. He wanted to go out he doesn't drive so I drove and he wanted Dairy Queen where his sister is the manager. This is dating in my 20's
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
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