I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
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