so... thinking about masturbating finally
taking the losers way out I see
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
