You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
Randomize
