He asked to "fluff my boner.."
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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