Hahahaha do you think bella ever gave edward head?
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
