And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
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