You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
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