I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Randomize
