Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
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