just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
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