I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
I licked your asshole in confidence.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
Randomize
