The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
Randomize
