Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
BRING THE BAGELS
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Randomize
