just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
Real housewives of new joisy starts MONDAY. Skype session after? Virtual slap the bag?
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
Randomize
