Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
you can still come hang out if you want
I really don't feel like watching you play video games
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
Why can't burritos get me drunk
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
Randomize
