what day is it and did you see me today?
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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