Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Randomize
