Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
Just finished two pages in like 20-30 mins bitches SHWAMP DRUNK LIBRARY SHWAMP
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
Randomize
