Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
adderall flavored popcorn. yes we did it and its awesome
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
Randomize
