soo I had sex last night and he wore a condom, pulled out sans condom. we looked everywhere and couldnt find it, even in my vag. so Im in the library at school and I googled it and it gave me "gentle digging" techniques, and sure enough, found it. ew. I'll be purchasing Plan B after class.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
