forecast for tonight- shitshow with a chance of tbell
my version of bright and sunny.
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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