the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
I had to cum in my sink.
Randomize
