Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
Randomize
