Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Randomize
