dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
Randomize
