I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
My balls are so social today.
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
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