yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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