People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
Would love to dress up in respectable attire and take you out somewhere nice and then do disgusting crude things in public
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
Randomize
