What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
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