He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death.
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
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