Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
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