I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
Randomize
