I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
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