I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Randomize
