When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
Ha i know. My vag can't go too crazy for a boy halfway across the country. It doesn't have that good of range
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
We banged in his car behind the burrito place. Google Maps keeps asking me to rate my visit. 5/5, would cum again.
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
Randomize
