We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
NoDDING MY HEAD LIKE uyuEAH MOViUNG MY HiPS LioKe YEAhhhhhhhhhhh
wow.
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
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