the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
Wow. The LSU Tennessee game is on here and the LSU cheerleaders are stupid hot. Its weird having a hard on. At a bar. On a Wednesday. By yourself.
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
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