in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
Randomize
