I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
For sure. We should see if we can get Mike to pay for one, and have a triple kegger... :o==& (that's future me projectile vomiting. i try to be goal oriented)
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
Randomize
