found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
Randomize
