someone threw a dead crab at me
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
He screamed "Oh boy! Oh boy!" during climax.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
well it was great until i saw his anime body pillow
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
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