$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
btw my frat has a search out for you. the "girl who threw up in the middle of the party" but it was on some fat girls. so thank you.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
Randomize
