I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
Randomize
