my room smells like sperm. sweet.
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
Real housewives of new joisy starts MONDAY. Skype session after? Virtual slap the bag?
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
