how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
Randomize
