I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
Sacagawea was the original milf.
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
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