So.. My internet got red-flagged at work because i did a search on "midigit strippers las vegas" This may be hard to explain...
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
I stole a fireplace last night.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
Randomize
