Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
well it doesn't count as a walk of shame if he drops you off at your class in his golf cart
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
Shia just rubbed his beard the way I do all the time and maybe he's my soul sister. This live stream is life changing.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
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