Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
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