if he's not good at sex i should be allowed to have sex with someone who is. that's a totally legit statement i think
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Randomize
