I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store.
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
Randomize
