Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
Randomize
