We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
my bf wants us to fuck our way into the new year.. how original..
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
Randomize
